Deliciously Me

You’ll never know how thankful I am for the existence of heater when relatively hot water poured over my head half an hour ago. For 2 nights I’ve been bathing in cold water and I even shivered when I bathed at 10am! Well, I chose to bath in the farthest side cubicle which has an opened window above and so happened that wind was rather strong that day and the water is surprisingly cold. Hmm.

Not to mention the discomfort I had when sleeping in a thin sleeping bag (I didn’t bring the usual thicker one, which again caused me to shiver while sleeping, grr) and uber small pillow, just enough to rest my head.

But I’m not complaining, really. I chose to come to the camp to realise small things that we tend to overlook in life. I chose to get away from the ‘luxurious’ life I have now to remind myself to stay humble, to have a sane(r) mind, to toughen myself up for upcoming possible hardship.

Just before I entered the camp, I labelled myself a worrisome, which I was and still am. Now I begin to realise the rationality behind this label. Why am I calling myself a worrisome – I finally know and have the answer.

I think it’s more to a combination of thinking too much and over-analysing. I believe people giving me the reaction that I didn’t expect is truly the core of the issue, apart from worrying about my loved ones’ safety/welfare. When people is reacting not to the way I thought it would generally be, I guess I begin to question myself on what did I say/do that caused the person to react in such way and if I didn’t say/do anything wrong why would the person treats me such. Especially I’m raising a concern/being nice which often perceived as being ‘busybody’.

“You shouldn’t care what other people’s think of you. You should only care what you think of yourself” – maybe I really, really need to uphold this verse.

Anyway, I’m really glad to be back to the camp again. Tho I went in halfway throughout the camp (which was rather short, I wish I could attend all 4 days and get involved more), but it cleared my head and ‘showed’ me ways to one of the many
problems I’m or may face in life.

Ohai!

How’s everyone doing? Lol! Don’t think people ever read this blog anymore. It’s been ages since I write something here. Have lost the magic to write. Not to mention the thought of clearing all the pending/backdated posts totally turns me off.

Bleh.

Life’s been ups and downs. Tastes happiness as well as sadness. Feels sweet satisfaction and not forgetting the disappointment too. Being raised to the peak and smacked down to the bottom. Been carefree and worrisome at the same time.

Speaking of being worrisome, I realised I’m one very anxious+worry person now. All the what if totally drives me crazy, makes me paranoid and sometimes shuns me away from doing the things I want to do.

How I wish I could be liberated from this ‘worrisome state’. I don’t know why am I thinking so much, so hard for; – foreseeing and deliberating with myself the possible consequences and thinking hard on finding ways to avoid them.

Ah. Stupid, complicated mind of mine.

That’s it! I’mma find my inner peace this weekend. Meditation and prayers and peaceful surrounding should keep my ‘worry state’ at the bay.. or I hope so.

*sitting cross-legged and chant Om Mani Padma Hum…. while listening to Monica’s For You I Will, lol*

I don’t know how people can just tell you something and not deliver them.

I’m honestly ok if they can just tell me in my face that they can’t do this or that for me. Better than leave me hanging like that right?

Seriously, just be frank. Don’t just chicken out or hope that things will slide of just like that. I happen to have such good memory on remembering promises.

For the past 2 days, seeing at the amount of cars along the highway made me thought of past. The thought was so overwhelming that I choked and had to hold back my tear.

It was then dawned on me that I truly miss the 2 hours drive back to granny’s house, the whole reunion session, my cousins and most of all, my maternal grandparents.

The look on my grandma’s face when our car pulled a stop in front of the kampung house. The same old questions that my grandma asked when we arrived, “Jiak pa liao bui? Ai lim Milo boh?” (Eaten d? Want to drink Milo?) The thin pancakes that my grandpa did for us. How my grandma allowed us to make our own java mee when we were hungry. The little reunion dinner that we had on the 2nd night of Chinese New Year. How noisy the whole house was with the sounds of mahjong tiles knocking against each other, combined with all the yelling and screaming we made as we ran around with cousins. Come night time, my grandpa bolot the whole TV to himself because he wanted to watch his drama series and we were forced to watch that with him. How 5 families bunked in that small single storey terrace house. How dreaded I was to go to the toilet at night because it was so dark behind (thus holding my pee until the next morning).

I remembered asking my grandma, “ah mah, why you always listen to radio?“

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After months of waiting, they’re here!

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